hello, bubbalahs...
I just wanted to tell you all to enjoy, be happy and get sleep for all of the wonderful shopping you will do on Friday!
Sy, Morty and I will be schlepping to Brooklyn to see Sy's sister Rachel (and, oi, she says it just like that shikse with the big boobies from the movies...you know the one).
Rachel told me that I should bring the Maneschevitz! Like I couldn't COOK something? I cook like an angel, but THAT one...well, you know her type). So, we are schlepping, with wine, and I am already not loving it. Thank God I will have my Barbara CD's with me, so I should at least be happy in the car.
Shalom,
Myrna
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Addendum to My Resume
My sister and my friend both reminded me that i left out a very important job. So, to make things right, i must make this addition...
2002-2003 - Long Haul Trucking Company. Position held - Lumper. A lumper is someone who assists the driver in tarping and strapping down loads on a flatbed trailer. It is hard work and you spend most of your time riding around with a moron who shouldn't be operating "Dumbo the Flying Elephant" at Disney Land. I was also responsible for keeping "accurate" driver logs according to and in compliance with federal laws :) My career as a Lumper ended when I entered the truck at an overnight stop in Louisiana after having dinner in the greasy spoon and discovered the driver with another man. That wasn't a problem cuz I had no interest in the idiot. What made me leave was the fact that he was wearing my underwear.
2002-2003 - Long Haul Trucking Company. Position held - Lumper. A lumper is someone who assists the driver in tarping and strapping down loads on a flatbed trailer. It is hard work and you spend most of your time riding around with a moron who shouldn't be operating "Dumbo the Flying Elephant" at Disney Land. I was also responsible for keeping "accurate" driver logs according to and in compliance with federal laws :) My career as a Lumper ended when I entered the truck at an overnight stop in Louisiana after having dinner in the greasy spoon and discovered the driver with another man. That wasn't a problem cuz I had no interest in the idiot. What made me leave was the fact that he was wearing my underwear.
Meet Myrna...
MYRNA FINKELGOLDFARBERSTEIN
Age: You're asking WHY?!?!
Marital Status: Married to Sy Finkelgoldfarberstein
Occupation: Oh, please! And ruin my nails? You people are maschugga.
Hobbies: Shopping - I NEVER pay retail.
Children: Meyer who is a Docta, Rosalin who is a Lawya, and little Morty who still lives with Mommy because he needs me. Such a blessing, this child.
Resides in: Old Lawrence, Longisland. Winters in Ft. Lauderdale.
Pets: My precious Yorkie, Schatzie. She goes with me whereva...let them tell me I can't take my baby to the Deli.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
could you be this honest?
Would you have the balls to submit your TRUE resume´ at a job interview?
A friend and I were talking about our job histories the other day. I mentioned the variety of experiences I had had in past years and posed the question “I wonder what reaction I would get from an interviewer if I handed them my true resume´?” I am a terrible liar and have had a lot of trouble in the past trying to remember what I omitted and what I included. Certainly, 90 percent of all job seekers have submitted “dumbed down” and “sanitized” resume´s…would you have the balls to submit your TRUE resume´ to a company? Here’s mine…
(I have omitted many corporate names out of respect for the people I actually respected. Any opinions expressed in this blog are solely mine. I have not mentioned the names of any individuals in a derogatory manner and if you perceive any of the persons depicted within this literature to represent you…feeling guilty?)
1969-1975 - Babysitting
1978 – CASHIER AT A LOCAL DRUG STORE, New City, NY. Boring, hated it. ‘Nuf said.
1973-1978 – Worked many school holidays and summer vacations for TOURACO INTERNATIONAL (a Visit USA travel service). Duties included basic secretarial, meeting tour group leaders from all over the world, preparation of itinerary and welcome packets, booking hotels and sightseeing tours.
1978 – PRINCE GEORGE HOTEL, New York, NY – Secretary to the Banquet Director. Duties included coordinating group stays, special events, worked with production crew of the mini-series “You Can’t Go Home Again” (I believe that was the name) starring Lee Grant and Chris Sarandon coordinating shooting schedules and meal times with hotel staff and guests.
Somewhere around 1978 (part time) – Had my hair dyed and walked the runway at the international beauty show for Clairol. Did some “piece modeling” for L’Oreal. Low pay but a lot of fun.
1978-1980 – A LARGE STEAMSHIP COMPANY IN NYC – Executive Secretary to the Director of Financial Planning. Duties included basic secretarial, preparation of P&L statements, analysis of trade routes, taking minutes for Finance Committee meetings. At the request of the CEO, entered the Maritime Queen Contest and was eliminated in the 2nd round. Met Danny Aiello who was a judge. Woo Hoo!
1980 - CAN’T REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE COMPANY, New York, NY (Steamship Company). Duties included catering to a spoiled brat whose daddy bought him a ship and a company. Lasted 2 months. Told him to fuck off and dumped a cup of coffee in his lap. Never used him as a reference.
1980-1981 –A BRAZILIAN STEAMSHIP COMPANY IN NYC – Administrative Assistant to the Port Captain. Duties included container control, preparation of ship schedules, bills of lading and hazardous cargo declarations, inspecting pier storage facilities and attending meetings with the Ships Captains and our Port Captain onboard the vessels and reminding the Captain to part his moustache before attempting to drink coffee.
1981 – A WALL STREET INVESTMENT BANKING FIRM – Secretary to Vice President. Duties included preparation of Offering Memoranda, making travel arrangements for the VP, receiving SEC clearance, being treated like a slave, working long hours and dealing with a lot of Yuppie bullshit. Quit after 6 months. Good points: found out my fingerprints were unreadable because I have eczema. Was told by the SEC employee “Hey, you could rob a bank and we couldn’t identify you.” :)
1981-1982 – ANOTHER STUPID LITTLE COMPANY, New York, NY – Secretary to the CEO (Steamship Company). Duties included coordinating schedule of our vessel with MARAD (Maritime Administration) and the steamship unions for military deployments. Obtained military clearance (what a pain in the ass) for access to the ship’s location, personnel requirements, and assisted in the repatriation process of undesirable (full-goose bozo) crew members from foreign ports. Communicated crew hours to accounting department for payroll processing. Good points: Wrecked the VP’s new car in an indoor parking garage :) (if you knew her, you’d know why I am smiling)
1982-1984 – A LARGE STEAMSHIP COMPANY IN NYC – Executive Secretary to Vice President of some fucking department, Sales Coordinator – East Coast to Europe Trade Routes. Forwarded leads to sales offices, prepared standard cargo forms, was Move Coordinator for corporate relocation from Manhattan to Staten Island, explaining to the European women the importance of deodorant and hair-free underarms to the average American worker.
1984-1987 – A LARGE IMPORT/EXPORT COMPANY, New York, NY – Personal Secretary to one of the owners whose sibling is a major fashion designer. Maintained his personal checkbooks, prepared documentation for accountants, attorneys and real estate transactions, assisted in management of his properties located worldwide. Performed various daily chores like picking up clothing and jewelry they had ordered, waiting for furniture deliveries at their penthouse, inspecting properties in Manhattan and Connecticut. Left because I chose to stay at home once my daughter was born.
1984-1996 – part owner of ISLAND UPHOLSTERY & ISLAND INTERIORS, Staten Island, NY. Learned the value of my Grampa’s warning – “Never go into business with friends or family.”
1990-1991 –PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE IN NJ – Office Manager. Duties included medical coding and billing, revamping entire filing system, making appointments, and dealing with one doctor’s psychotic wife. Good point: I quit, they said they fired me, I collected unemployment for a year.
1992-1993 –A NATIONAL TEMPORARY AGENCY IN NJ – Outside Sales Representative. Made cold calls, read books, fed French fries to seagulls, drove around aimlessly through a bazillion industrial parks knocking on doors and getting business cards and ate a lot of TCBY. Learned the location of EVERY public restroom in my territory.
1994 –A MAJOR NEWSPAPER IN NJ – Route Manager. Worked from 4 to 9 am everyday distributing newspapers to the adult carriers, covered dropped routes and trained new carriers. Learned that all the public restrooms I knew of were not available at 5am!!! Also learned that some people who deliver newspapers are VERY creepy, especially when you are alone with them in a deserted parking lot at 4am. Severed my tendon on a tree root in a condo complex. Could not do the job anymore.
1995 – A NATIONWIDE CHAIN RESTAURANT, Boca Raton, FL – Server and Trainer. Performed standard wait staff duties, trained new hires and avoided being alone with the GM. Decided if I was going to get hit on in the workplace, I may as well get paid for it. Went to work at a topless bar.
1996-1997 – VARIOUS TOPLESS BARS, Pompano Beach and Lauderhill, FL. Served drinks to assholes and titty dancers. Decided to start dancing and had a lot of fun. Subbed as a bouncer because the real bouncers were busy getting blow jobs from the new dancers for coke. Met a few professional football players, won’t say who, and a couple of welter weight boxers. Decided I was too old for that shit and quit.
1996 – PHONE PSYCHIC HOTLINE and PHONE SEX LINE, Pompano Beach, FL. Phone psychic was a trip. I really do read cards, but most of the people there were retirees looking for something to do. Gave up when some guy called and talked for 120 minutes at $4.00 a minute and couldn’t understand why he had no money. DUH!!! Phone sex…well, that was weird. I could handle the Dominatrix calls very well, but the submissive, cutesy Barbie Doll crap was another story. And, guys, a lot of the women you think you’re impressing on one of those lines are really men…sorry about the boner kill ;)
1995-1997 – TATTOO SHOP, Pompano Beach, FL. Apprenticed under Fox and Marcus without them realizing it. Did a couple of tattoos, but there wasn’t enough business for him to hire another artist. Fun facts: his shop was located in an “office mall” whose other tenants included a domination den, “lingerie modeling” agency, sports booking joint and a XXX video store. Never a dull moment.
1997-2003 – Various Tattoo Shops, Michigan. Owner/Artist of 2, Manager of Artistic Fusion, Artist at all of them. Typical tattoo shop stuff…helped idiots pick unimaginative designs, argued with them over the price, watched people pass out and puke, made them clean it up, did piercings on people with highly questionable hygiene habits. Loved it!!! Quit because I was told I had glaucoma. Blind tattoo artists are not very popular.
2003-2004 – Towing Company in MI. Tow truck dispatcher. A soap opera with a few drama queens vying for the lead role.
2004-2006 – A major international hotel chain. Started as a housekeeper, then housekeeping supervisor, promoted to engineer and finally transferred to Colorado and was promoted to Maintenance Manager. Loved my job in Michigan. Was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis after working 3 months in Colorado. The GM never cared for me and did everything in her power to make my life miserable while being careful not to overstep the bounds of corporate misconduct. Was advised by her in private that I could either be bumped down to hourly associate since I was having trouble physically performing one percent of my job, or I could go on disability. She strongly suggested that I opt for disability. So, based upon her advice, I did. They lost a dedicated associate with a stellar record and ended up with a manipulating game player.
2006-Present – Frustrated artist and writer.
A friend and I were talking about our job histories the other day. I mentioned the variety of experiences I had had in past years and posed the question “I wonder what reaction I would get from an interviewer if I handed them my true resume´?” I am a terrible liar and have had a lot of trouble in the past trying to remember what I omitted and what I included. Certainly, 90 percent of all job seekers have submitted “dumbed down” and “sanitized” resume´s…would you have the balls to submit your TRUE resume´ to a company? Here’s mine…
(I have omitted many corporate names out of respect for the people I actually respected. Any opinions expressed in this blog are solely mine. I have not mentioned the names of any individuals in a derogatory manner and if you perceive any of the persons depicted within this literature to represent you…feeling guilty?)
1969-1975 - Babysitting
1978 – CASHIER AT A LOCAL DRUG STORE, New City, NY. Boring, hated it. ‘Nuf said.
1973-1978 – Worked many school holidays and summer vacations for TOURACO INTERNATIONAL (a Visit USA travel service). Duties included basic secretarial, meeting tour group leaders from all over the world, preparation of itinerary and welcome packets, booking hotels and sightseeing tours.
1978 – PRINCE GEORGE HOTEL, New York, NY – Secretary to the Banquet Director. Duties included coordinating group stays, special events, worked with production crew of the mini-series “You Can’t Go Home Again” (I believe that was the name) starring Lee Grant and Chris Sarandon coordinating shooting schedules and meal times with hotel staff and guests.
Somewhere around 1978 (part time) – Had my hair dyed and walked the runway at the international beauty show for Clairol. Did some “piece modeling” for L’Oreal. Low pay but a lot of fun.
1978-1980 – A LARGE STEAMSHIP COMPANY IN NYC – Executive Secretary to the Director of Financial Planning. Duties included basic secretarial, preparation of P&L statements, analysis of trade routes, taking minutes for Finance Committee meetings. At the request of the CEO, entered the Maritime Queen Contest and was eliminated in the 2nd round. Met Danny Aiello who was a judge. Woo Hoo!
1980 - CAN’T REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE COMPANY, New York, NY (Steamship Company). Duties included catering to a spoiled brat whose daddy bought him a ship and a company. Lasted 2 months. Told him to fuck off and dumped a cup of coffee in his lap. Never used him as a reference.
1980-1981 –A BRAZILIAN STEAMSHIP COMPANY IN NYC – Administrative Assistant to the Port Captain. Duties included container control, preparation of ship schedules, bills of lading and hazardous cargo declarations, inspecting pier storage facilities and attending meetings with the Ships Captains and our Port Captain onboard the vessels and reminding the Captain to part his moustache before attempting to drink coffee.
1981 – A WALL STREET INVESTMENT BANKING FIRM – Secretary to Vice President. Duties included preparation of Offering Memoranda, making travel arrangements for the VP, receiving SEC clearance, being treated like a slave, working long hours and dealing with a lot of Yuppie bullshit. Quit after 6 months. Good points: found out my fingerprints were unreadable because I have eczema. Was told by the SEC employee “Hey, you could rob a bank and we couldn’t identify you.” :)
1981-1982 – ANOTHER STUPID LITTLE COMPANY, New York, NY – Secretary to the CEO (Steamship Company). Duties included coordinating schedule of our vessel with MARAD (Maritime Administration) and the steamship unions for military deployments. Obtained military clearance (what a pain in the ass) for access to the ship’s location, personnel requirements, and assisted in the repatriation process of undesirable (full-goose bozo) crew members from foreign ports. Communicated crew hours to accounting department for payroll processing. Good points: Wrecked the VP’s new car in an indoor parking garage :) (if you knew her, you’d know why I am smiling)
1982-1984 – A LARGE STEAMSHIP COMPANY IN NYC – Executive Secretary to Vice President of some fucking department, Sales Coordinator – East Coast to Europe Trade Routes. Forwarded leads to sales offices, prepared standard cargo forms, was Move Coordinator for corporate relocation from Manhattan to Staten Island, explaining to the European women the importance of deodorant and hair-free underarms to the average American worker.
1984-1987 – A LARGE IMPORT/EXPORT COMPANY, New York, NY – Personal Secretary to one of the owners whose sibling is a major fashion designer. Maintained his personal checkbooks, prepared documentation for accountants, attorneys and real estate transactions, assisted in management of his properties located worldwide. Performed various daily chores like picking up clothing and jewelry they had ordered, waiting for furniture deliveries at their penthouse, inspecting properties in Manhattan and Connecticut. Left because I chose to stay at home once my daughter was born.
1984-1996 – part owner of ISLAND UPHOLSTERY & ISLAND INTERIORS, Staten Island, NY. Learned the value of my Grampa’s warning – “Never go into business with friends or family.”
1990-1991 –PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE IN NJ – Office Manager. Duties included medical coding and billing, revamping entire filing system, making appointments, and dealing with one doctor’s psychotic wife. Good point: I quit, they said they fired me, I collected unemployment for a year.
1992-1993 –A NATIONAL TEMPORARY AGENCY IN NJ – Outside Sales Representative. Made cold calls, read books, fed French fries to seagulls, drove around aimlessly through a bazillion industrial parks knocking on doors and getting business cards and ate a lot of TCBY. Learned the location of EVERY public restroom in my territory.
1994 –A MAJOR NEWSPAPER IN NJ – Route Manager. Worked from 4 to 9 am everyday distributing newspapers to the adult carriers, covered dropped routes and trained new carriers. Learned that all the public restrooms I knew of were not available at 5am!!! Also learned that some people who deliver newspapers are VERY creepy, especially when you are alone with them in a deserted parking lot at 4am. Severed my tendon on a tree root in a condo complex. Could not do the job anymore.
1995 – A NATIONWIDE CHAIN RESTAURANT, Boca Raton, FL – Server and Trainer. Performed standard wait staff duties, trained new hires and avoided being alone with the GM. Decided if I was going to get hit on in the workplace, I may as well get paid for it. Went to work at a topless bar.
1996-1997 – VARIOUS TOPLESS BARS, Pompano Beach and Lauderhill, FL. Served drinks to assholes and titty dancers. Decided to start dancing and had a lot of fun. Subbed as a bouncer because the real bouncers were busy getting blow jobs from the new dancers for coke. Met a few professional football players, won’t say who, and a couple of welter weight boxers. Decided I was too old for that shit and quit.
1996 – PHONE PSYCHIC HOTLINE and PHONE SEX LINE, Pompano Beach, FL. Phone psychic was a trip. I really do read cards, but most of the people there were retirees looking for something to do. Gave up when some guy called and talked for 120 minutes at $4.00 a minute and couldn’t understand why he had no money. DUH!!! Phone sex…well, that was weird. I could handle the Dominatrix calls very well, but the submissive, cutesy Barbie Doll crap was another story. And, guys, a lot of the women you think you’re impressing on one of those lines are really men…sorry about the boner kill ;)
1995-1997 – TATTOO SHOP, Pompano Beach, FL. Apprenticed under Fox and Marcus without them realizing it. Did a couple of tattoos, but there wasn’t enough business for him to hire another artist. Fun facts: his shop was located in an “office mall” whose other tenants included a domination den, “lingerie modeling” agency, sports booking joint and a XXX video store. Never a dull moment.
1997-2003 – Various Tattoo Shops, Michigan. Owner/Artist of 2, Manager of Artistic Fusion, Artist at all of them. Typical tattoo shop stuff…helped idiots pick unimaginative designs, argued with them over the price, watched people pass out and puke, made them clean it up, did piercings on people with highly questionable hygiene habits. Loved it!!! Quit because I was told I had glaucoma. Blind tattoo artists are not very popular.
2003-2004 – Towing Company in MI. Tow truck dispatcher. A soap opera with a few drama queens vying for the lead role.
2004-2006 – A major international hotel chain. Started as a housekeeper, then housekeeping supervisor, promoted to engineer and finally transferred to Colorado and was promoted to Maintenance Manager. Loved my job in Michigan. Was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis after working 3 months in Colorado. The GM never cared for me and did everything in her power to make my life miserable while being careful not to overstep the bounds of corporate misconduct. Was advised by her in private that I could either be bumped down to hourly associate since I was having trouble physically performing one percent of my job, or I could go on disability. She strongly suggested that I opt for disability. So, based upon her advice, I did. They lost a dedicated associate with a stellar record and ended up with a manipulating game player.
2006-Present – Frustrated artist and writer.
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